The Colors I Wear…

As you probably are aware, I prefer to wear primarily dark colors. I am quite specific the colors I wear because I believe colors have meaning and feeling. I also feel more at ease with dark colors (aside from the occasional white/cream/ivory/ecru/what-have-you) because of they reflect me in some way.

Colors are like a filter of what is going on inside of myself. I also believe it goes vice versa: the colors you wear influence what is going on in you internally. In other words, colors are a two-way street between the clothes and the wearer. Here is a look at the colors I wear and how they make me feel, and the other way around.

The-Dark-Pearl-Blog7.8.18

BLACK: As some of you might know, I am getting more at ease with wearing all black all the time. I believe black is a mysterious, elegant color. It is also a serious color, and I am usually serious. Meaning, I like to think deep thoughts and connect the dots to all things in life and in the world. Therefore, black suits me because of its mystery and depth. After all, you cannot get any darker than black. It is the endless deep, so to speak.

At the same time, I feel black suits me because I feel dark sometimes. As someone with mental health issues, I deal with depression and anxiety often. So black comes in handy. There’s no way I could ever wear pastels or something bright in order to lift my spirits whenever I am down. It just would not work. I am quite an honest, true person and I used to hide my issues with bright colors, and it just didn’t feel right. Since I believe one’s personal style is self-expression, I am quite comfortable with wearing lots of black.

 

RED/BURGUNDY/MAROON/WINE:  Ah, red. The color of passion. The color of fierceness, passion and rage. The color of sexiness. I admit I wear the red color “family” often because a friend once told me I look good in red. That being said, though, I feel feminine, powerful and sexy in these colors. It is a way to showcase my strength while blending it with my dark depth that is black. It is a good combination – red and black. It represents so much, depending on the wearer. But for me, these red colors are a representation of female strength.

Flavour lace gray kimono

GRAY/CHARCOAL/MISTY: The in-between when it comes to black. The substitute for black. The perfect choice for when I feel self-conscious wearing all-black. It also comes in handy because charcoal is a good color, and goes so well with black. It represents the same things as black – mystery, depth – without the darkness. It takes out the dark emotions I experience and just leaves in the mysterious, deep thoughts. At the same time, though, my emotions are like a storm, so gray represents my inner storms.

Also, gray has it’s own mysterious element to it. Gray makes me think about mists and fog, kind of like how Ireland and Scotland are. A gray cloudy day looks beautiful to me, believe it or not, so I see the beauty in the gray color family.

Ecru sweater

WHITE/CREAM/IVORY/OATMEAL/PALE BEIGE: Seems kind of odd that with all my love for dark colors, these pop in. However, it does reflect me. I believe in personal healing and inner peace, and these colors represent that. You might say blue is that color, but that is color of calmness (I may appear calm, but I’m a storm inside). So healing and peace are a big deal to me, and I would wear colors to reflect that personal value I have. I hope others would recognize that, and make personal healing and peace a must in their lives.

PURPLE/VIOLET:  Oh, purple, purple. The absolute royal color itself. And the grand substitution for black! While I do not wear much purple (I am trying to change that), I do like this color because of its radiance and regal touch. It is also a bold color, and I see it as another form of being powerful. Only this time, it is personal power, rather than feminine. To me, purple reflects courage, braveness, and being at ease with it. It is like, red says, “watch out for me”, while purple says, “I am already here”.

DARK BLUE/NAVY BLUE: Eh, because I am out of ideas. Or because I liked the top or dress or skirt, and there were no other color options. Or I need to look professional during a job interview. Or I am feeling self-conscious over my lack of a wide range of colors in my wardrobe. Yeah, could be it.

So, those are my colors. Would I ever wear pink, yellow, green or any other bright color? Well, I wear green on St. Patrick’s Day to showcase my Irish heritage. But if I were to ever wear a bright color or a pastel again, it has to be worn with black as well. Like pink floral top with a black background or black pants. I’m just not ready to go “full bright”, if you will.

And honestly, it is just not me. I feel comfortable in my skin with black and other dark colors. I’ve also been doing it for so long that I have forgotten how at ease I felt when I first began dressing like this. Maybe if I were to put on a pink, yellow or lavendar top or dress, I would. But there must be something black to it. Or else, I’d be totally out of my skin.

 

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Growing Because I Must

“Well I’ve been afraid of changing
‘cuz I built my life around you.
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I’m getting older too”

We all know those famous lines from “Landslide”, Stevie Nicks’ all-time greatest song (IMO). It speaks to a lot of us who have to make serious changes to our lives in order to grow, develop and mature into well-rounded human beings. Sometimes it can be fighting alcoholism, drug-addiction, eating disorders, depression or even personality disorders. Other times it could be bad personal habits we have that prevent us from being mature enough, to be developed well-enough and to be an actual “grown up”.

This past week, I decided to finally confront the fact that I am not exactly an emotionally mature person. I’ve always been aware that I do not take care of myself in an emotional sense. I tend to keep my emotions locked up, my vulnerability safely secured behind a thick, high wall. I’ve been that way since I was a teenager, and now, after spending 20 years like this, I’m confronting the fact that this is not healthy for me.

How did I come to this point? Well, I’ve always been aware that I can be robotic and don’t allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable at all. I don’t display in-depth emotions. Any emotions I do display are surface-level, therefore immature. The results are having difficulty controlling the in-depth emotions, such as anger, anguish or anxiety. As my therapist pointed out, it is as if I am stuffing my emotions into a tight suitcase. But because they are packed so tightly inside, the suitcase bursts open. I’ve experienced that a lot in the past few years, where my emotions burst open. And it wasn’t pleasant! IMG_4435

I’ve been trying since November to feel more in-depth emotions, but with little success. It is not easy because it is like flexing new muscles I do not know how to use. And I have this long-held belief that being vulnerable to whatever degree is a recipe for pain and hurt.

But what really woke me up was this guy I met on a date last weekend. It was a really good date, where we laughed, shared parts of our lives, shared our values, thoughts and opinions on just about everything. It was the best date I had ever been on in a very long time, and I was really looking forward to seeing that guy again.

Unfortunately I haven’t heard from him since. And I think I know why.

He told me I was difficult to read, that he couldn’t figure me out.

Now, that could mean a number of things. But I interpreted it as a sign that I was not emotionally open enough, that I was too robotic, the walls were up too high.

That was when I decided to finally make the effort to emotionally mature, and join the rest of the world.

It’s been hard since, as I said, I am flexing new muscles. I also have to undo the belief that being vulnerable means being weak. But I am determined to be develop emotionally, because I want to be more in control of my emotions, instead of having them burst out of me in self-destructive ways. It won’t be easy to develop like this, but I must do it.

Basically, I’m emotionally like a teenager. I stopped emotionally developing when I was 16, and from there became an emotional robot/mess. That means picking up where I left off. Which is probably why I am going through a semi-goth phase. Like I mentioned once before, I had an interest in the goth subculture in high school, but never went through on it for a variety of reasons. It may seem immature for a 35 year-old to go through such a phase, but I am being honest with myself in terms of music and fashion. That doesn’t mean I’ll start dressing and behaving like a teenager. I’ll just incorporating where I left off to my current self. I’ll be combining the two.

I have a lot of self-awareness, so that will help me through this developmental stage. I’m mentally mature, but not emotionally. So, put it that way.

Hopefully, whatever the outcome is, I’ll be a better and healthier person.

There’s a saying from the Akan tribe in Ghana: Sankofa. It basically means going back to move forward. That is what I am doing now.